Alone in a Relationship
It was Easter. I was in an unfamiliar church in my neighborhood.
The pastor invited the congregation to extend greetings to those sitting around us.
I’d never experienced this, and since I was sitting by myself in a pretty isolated area of the sanctuary, I didn’t know what to do.
The discomfort I felt that morning is still palpable today. I looked around, searching for someone, anyone to greet and be greeted by. But there was nobody. What happened next changed my entire perspective, though not necessarily my path. The pastor caught my glance and walked down the long aisle to where I was sitting and reached out a hand and said “Welcome!”
Tears. Oh my goodness, tears still well up in my eyes when I imagine this scene and tell this story. As I sat there that morning in my sorrow, I noticed how incredibly alone I actually felt even though I was in a relationship.
Even though I knew I was alone in the relationship at that moment, instead of recognizing the dysfunction of the relationship that wasn’t for me, I charged back to my apartment after the service to confront my boyfriend for “aloning” me. “Why didn’t you go with me?!” “How could you do this to me??!”
Aloning isn’t a word...but for me it’s a good way to describe a feeling somewhere between feeling abandoned and feeling disconnection from someone who was supposed to be with me. I use this “word” aloning because he didn’t abandon me.
He was only doing what was natural for him. He really wasn’t connected to me the way two people in love “should” be. He had decided to stay home and watch basketball. He didn’t feel the pull to be with me. This had happened countless times... in the bar when he told me to leave him alone because he was having fun... and the time he told me that he was going to his high school reunion alone because he wanted to have fun... and when he told me he wouldn’t go to mine because he didn’t know anyone and wouldn’t have fun.
I have no idea the motivation behind why he stayed in this relationship that he seemingly didn’t want, or at least didn’t want with me in it. It is not my place to jump to conclusions or assumptions.
My focus is to understand my intention and motivation behind why I had ignored, fought, and pushed aside so many signs, and this morning in church was a huge neon sign! Deep inside I knew he wasn’t connected to me. Deep inside, in hindsight, I didn’t want to be connected to him. It was so obvious, but I wasn’t going to see it even if it slapped me in the face.
Being in a relationship with desperation is never a good time. But that’s exactly the kind of relationship I was in. And it continued for years. How many other relationships with desperation have I also been in? How many have you been in? Maybe you’re in one now... Maybe you’re desperately trying to fight desperation. I did that for decades. It’s a no win situation.
The antidote to relationship desperation is self-discovery, self-honesty (oh the truth is a big jagged pill sometimes), developing self-worth, and being able to survive the incredibly horrible feeling of loneliness while learning to be alone without feeling lonely. Because, if we don’t find the peace of being with ourselves, if we continue to feel the need to be with someone to fill that void, the void will always be there.
If you’re in a relationship alone, let’s talk. Let’s find you so that you can develop relationships that are truly meant for you!
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