I Knew What Love Was
Follow Up To: “From Sexual Healing to True Connection”
I recorded a podcast a couple weeks ago. I was talking about Marvin Gaye and his song "Sexual Healing" that came out in 1981-ish. I was just finishing high school and boy was I in a bad place, and that song really resonated with me but not in a good way because it was just compounding the belief that my worth was to heal someone else's problems through their sex.
And I finished up the podcast talking about Barry White and how he had a sultry kind of voice. And his just felt like more connection and closeness.
But in that blog I was talking about how I really didn't know what good love was, but I really actually did and this is the follow-up to that one where I mentioned this in there.
Howard and Harriet Brenner heading off to their honeymoon
What I Actually Knew About Love
My parents were married for 63 years when my dad died and my parents were the epitome of loving each other.
They had fights, they had squabbles. There were many times where they were going to call it quits, but both of them really were determined to live their life together and really do whatever they could to make sure the marriage worked.
My dad went to weekends for husbands and my mom went to weekends for wives and they went to couples weekends and they really put a lot of work into it.
The Brain Gets Mixed Messages
I always knew what good love was, but I had such a dichotomy growing up.
On one hand, my parents were loving each other and on the other hand, I'm being molested.
And so I'm getting two very different messages. I wasn't really getting sex messages from my parents, but I was getting them from the radio and I was getting them from my perpetrator. And so it warped in my mind somewhere along the way that love was just not for me, that it just wasn't mine to get or to have.
Desperation Comes With A Price
And that desperation led me to questionable things. I ended up with, guys who one-night-standed me. I didn't think that I had anything else to offer them other than sex because I believed that sex is what a guy wants from me in order to want me. And so when Marvin Gaye's song came out, it just, it rubbed me the wrong way.
It was really interesting when I was recording that and I said I didn't really know what love was, but I really did.
What Did I Know About Intimacy Versus Sex?
And here's the warpy thing about the brain, even though I knew what a good marriage was, what good love was, what dedication to another person was because I witnessed it for my entire life, there was so much of me that got screwed up because I was violated in the most intimate way.
So my sense of intimacy was very warped. I did not know how to be intimate.
I only knew that sex was expected from me. And then Marvin Gaye comes out with this song saying I need to have sex so I can heal. And I just thought,
“What bullshit! Shut up. Just go away.” I did not like it at all.
Intimate Healing Emerges
But then Jim came along when I was 49 and yeah, I know what love really is because I loved Jim.
So at 49, I was healed enough and strong enough to leave the marriage that I was in that was pretty much a combination of abusive and neglectful at the same time and I got a chance to be in love with somebody. And that was everything for me.
So I went from hating Marvin Gaye and that sexual healing song and really embracing more of Barry White.
Jim would always say, “You know, when we're laughing, we're making love.” I thought that was the coolest thing I'd ever heard because to me my whole life - sex required, you know, the lower body parts.
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This is the follow-up to that blog: From Sexual Healing to True Connection. If you want to either listen to it or read it, you can learn more about the story there.
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For You: Embracing True Intimacy and Healing
If you’ve struggled with societal expectations or personal challenges around intimacy and self-worth, remember that you don’t have to settle for a narrative that doesn’t serve you.
True healing and intimacy are about finding connections that honor and respect both partners. It’s not about fulfilling external expectations but about creating a meaningful bond that brings you joy and fulfillment. Embrace the journey of making love, not just having sex, and cherish every moment of genuine connection.
Let's Transform Your Journey Together
If my journey resonates with you and you’re seeking to explore or heal your own experiences with intimacy and sexual connection, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can work towards finding the deep, meaningful connections you deserve and transforming your experiences into a place of healing and love.
