Time for My Happy to Come Home
My "Happy" had spent too much time living in what I believed were other people's expectations of what happy should be. Time had come for it to come home.
While I don’t believe people expecting things came from shame, I do think that I had adopted that shameful feeling in my core because of the deep need to feel included. I had felt abandoned and desperate for inclusion for decades, until I realized that I was the one who cherished me. I may not have been included, I may not have had what I saw others having, but it turned out that those "things" others had and did were fleeting and when it truly came down to it, I had learned that my relationship with myself was paramount and had led to my cherishing my current self, my inner child, and my future self.
So now what do I do now when old feelings emerge?
Self-awareness is key. Big difference now is, instead of chasing the thoughts around my head trying to find answers, I allow the feelings in my body (body messages, inner self) to tell me what my authentic self truly wants.
For example, I had spent the first half of my 20s desperate for someone to care about me, went into a marriage without love, and finally found true love at 49. The feelings of desperation simmered in the background until he died in 2018 and those unresolved feelings came flooding back.
I was again alone in a place of desperate need, but this time I had the tools to do inner exploration to help my unconscious mind resolve the tension. I realized that in my 20s I actually wasn’t interested in the relationships I was feeling desperate for. Without being aware of what I was doing back then, the energy I was putting out was actually repelling those relationships. And while my survivor brain internalized the lack of relationships as rejection, the fact is - I wasn't rejected. I was the one doing the unconscious rejecting because those weren’t relationships my authentic self wanted.
Now, 30-40 years later and single, I’m still choosing what I want, and it’s a peaceful survivor brain paired with my conscious choice of who I want to spend time with, who I date, and what I expect for myself.
Happy is home, and I cherish me in all I do. What an amazing feeling. Light and airy, with lots of warmth. The key was discovering my truth and authentic self. Otherwise, whose life am I really living?
Who’s life are you living? What’s preventing your happy from coming to life in you?
