Wanderlust
I grew up traveling the globe. My dad worked for Exxon (Esso at the time) and we had the opportunity to live in Greece and Belgium, as well as 3 Northeastern US states. I was raised to be an avid traveler, someone who loved to explore new places and meet different kinds of people with curiosity! Through my family, I visited a significant amount of Europe and parts of Africa and many US states.
Being the youngest of 6, I was never alone in my travels. Even as an adult, traveling thousands of miles by car and flights across the US and England led me to spending the time away with people I had already known. I traveled there alone, but I was never alone when I got there.
It was June 1992 when 260 tall sailing ships, three quarters of all of the giant sailing vessels of the world were coming in for the “Independence Day Great Parade of Sail” in NY Harbor. It was the biggest assembly of tall ships in modern history. Oh man!! What a sight to see! I really, really wanted to see this spectacular event!
But, I had no one to go with. I had broken up with a toxic relationship. I was alone.
My mind raced….
“How could I go by myself?”
“Who would I talk to, walk with.”
“Who would see me as alone and pity me?”
“How could I handle feeling so awkward.”
But, I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t go. So, I made the decision to go in spite of the awkward feelings. “Just suck it up, Helen!”
I boarded the local train that took me from my home in NJ into NYC, with the feeling of excitement rising and suppressing the awkward feelings as I watched the countryside pass by the window.
Once in NYC I made my way to the Hudson River, and found myself surrounded by thousands of people whose energy felt as excited as I was to see these beautiful ladies of the sea sailing majestically up and down the river.
I wasn’t alone. I was by myself, but I wasn’t alone! For the first time, at 29, I was traveling alone to spend the day alone, and that feeling of excitement only heightened as I watched myself walking amongst the crowd, so proud of myself for doing something for me, by myself. Alone, but not lonely.
It wasn’t until 27 years later that I found myself taking myself on an excursion like this. I had spent the years prior in relationships and raising my kids - never really having an opportunity or reason to travel alone. And so at 55, a year after becoming a widow, I was gifted with a cruise from Miami to Mexico. And while I went on the cruise with friends, I took myself on 2 excursions where it was just me. I went sightseeing all over Key West, hugged and kissed a dolphin in Cancun, and experienced one of my life’s most favorite events – hiking and swimming in the Rivera Secreto, underground caverns in Playa del Carmen, near Cozumel.
For too much of my life I put off doing things alone because I felt awkward and lonely. While the dolphin experience was quick and there were little interactions with those around me, the entire trip from the ship to the caverns was filled with a feeling of connecting with others. Strangers who for the day became my friends. We giggled, ooo’d and aaah’d as we marveled at the magnificence of the stalagmite and stalactite that surrounded the tunnels of the caverns. We floated in silence in the few minutes of planned darkness as we listened to the slow continuous dripping of the waters that over millions of years created these marvels. What a spiritual experience.
When I returned to the ship after the caverns with a beaming smile on my face, I heard, “Wow, I should have done that with you!” I thought to myself… “I agree. What a gift I had given me!”
In the Fall of 2021 I again found myself with a wonderful opportunity to see something I’d longed to to see… Wild Horses!
I was traveling to SC to see a friend for a weekend followed by spending the following weekend with other friends in Savannah, GA. What to do with myself in the days in between? I decided, emphatically to drive north to NC to see the wild horses. By myself.
This time, though, I needed to stay overnight, eat all my meals alone. That familiar feeling of angst came over me.
Then I remembered what my mentor told me:
“The feeling of fear is the same feeling of excitement a person feels just before the rollercoaster races down the hill.”
I love rollercoasters, and so I redirected my mind to recognize the angst as excitement. I drove north, checked into the cutest little hotel and tucked myself in for the night. Early the next morning I awoke with excitement. It was still dark! I could see the sunrise at Atlantic Beach and get some photos! So I packed up my bags and walked to my car with a racing excitement to drive the few blocks to the beach. As I approached the sand, I saw one of the most marvelous mornings begin to rise!
I captured photos of my experience, as best as a camera can capture what the eye can see. I had no one to speak with about this, but that’s what was so good about it – It was the silence to hear what was surrounding me. The uncluttered mind to see the beautiful sights. I stood in awe, in almost a trancelike state, absorbing the sights, sounds and smells of the oceanside.
After a bit of time, and with peace in my heart, I left the beach and drove to the marina where I’d catch the shuttle to see the wild horses of Shackleford Banks. I was early and so I walked around the marina, marveling at the beautiful ships. I spoke with a man who was living on his boat and currently docked in the marina. Turns out we grew up a town away from each other in NJ! You never know who you’ll meet. And it’s really cool that we’ve become friends.
I walked back to the shuttle dock, boarded the boat and made my way to the island as the USS New York was gliding into port. I had seen her in NY Harbor in 1999 just after she was commissioned. Seeing her again was like seeing an old friend. I noticed the wear on her hull, imagining where her travels had taken her. As we arrived at the island, I felt the excitement build! We departed the boat and followed our guide to find the horses. Up and over sand hills we walked until we found a little band with a stallion and his 3 mares quietly grazing near the water’s edge.
I stood on that hill, looking at the horses, seeing the ocean in the distance, feeling so blessed to be there.
And it was because I had allowed myself to feel all of the emotions of fear and excitement to truly travel alone.
The world is too big to be limited by the need to have someone with me in order to see something that excites me!
Where will you wander off to in exploration? And that’s both a literal and metaphorical question!
