Healing from the Inside Out
A Journey of Weight Loss and Gain
For most of my life, food has been my comfort, and my weight has been my shield.
Losing 50 pounds in 2019 felt like a victory—until it didn’t.
As the pounds dropped, so did my sense of security, and I realized something no one tells you about weight loss: looking good on the outside doesn’t heal the wounds you carry inside. I didn’t know who I was at 144 pounds. I wanted attention but feared it at the same time. I had to go through the process of losing and regaining weight to understand that it’s not about the number on the scale—it’s about eating healthy and loving myself at any size.
The Illusion of Reaching the "Perfect" Weight
Back in 2019, I thought hitting 144 pounds would be the solution. I was excited about how I looked, but I was also deeply uncomfortable. I wasn’t prepared for the way people noticed me. It was a strange mix—on the one hand, I liked the attention, but on the other hand, it terrified me.
That fear was rooted in my childhood, when I so desperately needed attention but received the wrong kind—from my abuser and from bullying that began when I was just seven years old.
Living in Self-Protection Mode
The impact of those early experiences left me living in self-protection mode for years. I used food for comfort, and my weight became a shield—a way to keep myself hidden. The combination of comfort and protection was a powerful one. It wasn’t just about the weight; it was about keeping myself safe from being seen, while also using food as a reliable source of pleasure and escape.
The Familiar Cycle of Regaining Weight
When I started gaining the weight back after 2019, it felt like a familiar cycle. I told myself, “What’s the point? I’m too tired to fight this. Besides, food just tastes so good.” But eventually, I realized something crucial: it wasn’t that I was too tired to keep fighting—it was that I didn’t know who I was as a thinner person. Losing the weight didn’t fix the deeper issues I had with my identity or my relationship with attention. I had to figure out who I wanted to be before I could focus on changing my eating habits again.
Focusing on Non-Scale Victories (NSVs)
Fast forward to today, and I’m living a new phase of my journey. I’m eating well, and continuing that path. But this time, my focus is on Non-Scale Victories (NSVs)—the things that really matter.
Minimal heartburn, healing my body, moving more, no binging, no cravings, and no obsession with food.
That’s what I’m paying attention to now, not just the number on the scale.
Playing the Long Game
This time, I’m playing the long game. A lifetime game of good health and love for myself at any weight or size. I’m not rushing to hit a specific number or look a certain way. Instead, I’m focused on creating a version of myself that feels good from the inside out. It’s about aligning my actions with who I truly want to be—someone who is healthy, whole, and at peace with themselves.
Shedding Emotional Baggage
My real progress isn’t just about losing weight. It’s about shedding the emotional baggage that kept me stuck for so long. I’m healing the part of me that was afraid of attention and letting go of the need to hide behind my weight. The weight itself is just a small part of the story. What really matters is how I feel in my own skin—how I nourish my body and treat myself with kindness.
Why Your "Why" Matters
And those NSVs? They’ve become my guideposts. No more binging, no more cravings, and no more unhealthy obsession with food. My body feels lighter not just because of the weight I’ve lost, but because I’m no longer weighed down by old habits or emotional patterns.
The truth is, weight loss alone won’t fix anything if you don’t understand why you’re doing it. You have to know your “why.” If your goal is just to hit a number, you might find yourself feeling just as lost as I did when I hit 144 pounds.
For me, it was only when I asked myself what I really wanted that I began to make lasting changes. And what I want is to be healthy and to love myself at every size, not just at a certain weight.
Reflect and Move Forward
So, if you’re on a similar journey, I encourage you to take a step back and reflect.
Why are you doing this?
What do you truly want?
Is the result you’re chasing really going to serve you in the long run?
The real victory isn’t just in losing pounds—it’s in knowing who you are, learning to love yourself, and aligning your actions with that deeper understanding.
This time, I’m playing the long game, and I’m all in.
Will you be in with me? Click the link below to start your true weight journey!
