Midol, Part 1
“You better take some Midol before you drive him away!”
Ugh…. I was so deflated. ☹️
It was July of 1989. I was 25. I had been dating a man for 6 months and was miserable.
I remember being on the phone with my mom crying about how I was feeling and that’s what she said to me.
“You’d better take some Midol before you drive him away.”
So many emotions and thoughts raced through my body and mind.
Mostly that I needed to do whatever it took to keep this man in my life. And if I didn’t, I’d never have another man because that was my track record.
Until this man, I was never able to attract a decent man and this one appeared to be pretty decent, at least in how I could present him to the world while remaining miserable behind closed doors.
I loved my mother. She was an amazing woman. And I know it wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t able to communicate what was really going on inside me so she was never able to understand. And I learned from her decades later that she didn’t have the capacity to hear what was going on.
I’m not even sure what I was thinking then. I know that I simply could not tell this man, who had continued to bring me to tears, to go away.
It was the same with my brother who had molested me for almost 10 years. I just couldn’t “reject” him. I couldn’t reject either of them.
You see, I loved my brother. I often said he was the best and worst of my life. He was there for me in so many wonderful ways, but he was also there in so many hurtful ways.
I transferred my feelings surrounding my brother to this man, feelings of desperation, of needing to be included, of needing to be wanted.
After this conversation with my mom, I spent the next 5 years in a tug of war with my emotions. Anger with him for not treating me like I wanted him to and anger at myself for being unable to end the relationship.
Desperation + Limited Options = Dysfunctional Relationships.
When he asked me to marry him, my heart was saying no but my mouth said yes. I’m so embarrassed to share that I was so powerless to stand up for what I wanted, what I needed, what I deserved. I was afraid of rejecting, something that was built into me as I was experiencing the sexual abuse. I ended up marrying him.
The marriage was doomed to fail before it even started. My husband’s misery was very much my fault. But in fairness, there were lots of other problems which stemmed from the simple fact that we just weren’t meant for each other. Evidence that was revealed when we attended a church required premarital counseling weekend with activities and questions. When I look back at both of our answer books, who in God’s name thought it was a good idea that we get married?? Even then, I knew it was wrong, and nobody from the church intervened. I’m sure I would have pushed anything they said aside. I was still driven by my fears.
I had been seeing a psychiatrist for months prior to the wedding because I was severely depressed, like I was the day I was talking with my mom. She told me, “If you marry him, I’ll be the one in the back of the church saying “I object!” I dumped her instead.
Even after years of therapy, I was still an incredibly wounded and lonely child on the inside. I know that my feeling so desperate for someone to love me robbed both me and this man of finding love that was truly meant for each of us.
But, I can’t saddle myself with everything. After all, throughout of the many fights we had before we got married, he had ample opportunity to break up with me and he chose not to. And throughout all the fighting after we were married, he could have chosen to end it but he didn’t. And I never had the guts to do it until 17 years later. It was such a mess and I felt awful about it all for a long time.
The learning… It’s important to recognize the hows and whys of what we do. I can’t go back, only forward. By recognizing that the issues of marriage are 50/50 and include deep patterns of behavior we learned over our lives, we can begin to set ourselves free and find relationships that suit us. And I did. Eventually. At 49 I fell in love for the first time. Sadly, he died 5 years later, but that’s another story. Just one of my Getting Past Survivor experiences.
What’s the nugget here? It’s okay to be honest with yourself. It’s okay to “reject” someone who you feel isn’t right for you. You don’t need to take Midol to suppress your emotions. It’s never too late to feel them, acknowledge them, and allow them to reveal your truth. Your soul, your inner child, and your future self will thank you!
Read/Listen to Part 2 of this self-awareness journey in Midol Part 2!
